


I Didn't Know I Was Lost

by emorion



Category: IT (2017), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Adult Losers Club (IT), Dialogue Heavy, M/M, Mild Language, Reddie, Some book canon, losers club reunion, some movie canon (2017), some movie trailor canon (2019)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-24
Updated: 2019-08-24
Packaged: 2020-09-25 04:49:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,995
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20370952
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/emorion/pseuds/emorion
Summary: "The clown." Eddie had said, as the memories of that summer were coming into focus. Georgie's disappearance along with all those other kids', Bill's thirst for revenge, the projector and the house on Neibolt street. Eddie's small arm in that giant cast. All the fear and despair and inner turmoil that Pennywise had inflicted that one summer when they were kids hit Richie at once, sending him reeling and wondering once again, how the hell could I forget this?





	I Didn't Know I Was Lost

As soon as Richie remembered Eddie, he knew he had been missing him. There had been an Eddie shaped hole in his life since he left Derry that he couldn't quite identify. He remembered now, though.

Eddie with his cute, chubby cheeks that would flush when he was flustered or angry. Eddie with his winded little rants and rambles about all the things he worried about or obsessed over. Eddie in his short shorts and fanny packs. Richie remembers how he used to revel in the way Eddie would huff indignantly at his nicknames and wise cracks. He remembers the times Eddie would work himself up to the point of an asthma attack, and how cute he was with his stupid little inhaler. Most prominently, he remembers how his stomach would flutter whenever Eddie was near. How he grabbed at any chance to keep Eddie's exhilarating attention on him because he felt like he would disappear without it.

How could he have forgotten Eddie?

As soon as he saw Ben and Bev in the parking lot, the memories of his friends started rushing back. All of a sudden, he was nervous. His palms started sweating, butterflies formed in his stomach, and his breath started to quicken.

Now, for what Richie knew was the first time in nearly three decades though it didn't feel like it, he was face to face with Eddie Kaspbrak.

Eddie had definitely grown up.

His skeleton limbs were now covered by lean, toned muscles. His cheeks had hallowed a bit, accentuating his cute dimples and sharp jawline, which was stubbled with a very mature amount of five o'clock shadow. To be frank, Eddie got **hot** .

He could tell it was Eds, too. Although it was shorter, Eddie's hair still had that familiar swoop Richie would track with his eyes and sometimes, if he was lucky, his fingers. Underneath it, the deep brown of Eddie's eyes still pierced Richie to his very core the way they always had.

Richie was staring. He knew he was, but so was Eddie. Mike had noticed, too, and was now glancing back and forth between the two of them. Richie was becoming slightly uncomfortable with this unfamiliar attention.

**Time to break the ice**, Richie thought.

He gestured to Ben, who had definitely grown, if not up, then **in** . Mike smirked a little, and Billy chuckled, but Eddie just kept staring. **Still a tough crowd**, Richie noted.

Dinner started out fun, everyone catching up and remembering the good old days. Eddie was still afraid of "unusual" foods and had to know what was in everything. He was also still easy to rile up, a sport in which Richie had become a pro.

"Wait, Eddie, you got **married**?" Richie teased, trying to ignore the pull of jealousy in his gut.

"Yeah," Eddie nearly shouted, "Why's that so funny, dickwad?"

Richie couldn't resist. "What, to like, a woman?"

"Fuck you, bro!" Eddie said, pointing his fork at Richie.

"FUCK YOOOOOOOU!" Richie shot back, the picture of maturity.

"What about you, Rich?" Bill asked. "You get married?"

"Oh yeah!" Richie said, an idea forming in his clever mind.

"Really?" Eds asked, incredulously.

"Yeah, didn't you hear?" He smirked, "I married your mom!"

Richie reveled in the laughter that followed. He especially took note of Eddie's familiar exasperation. The way he rolled his eyes and sarcastically praised his hilarity had always been like a drug to Richie, sending his brain soaring and setting his heart ablaze.

How had he gone so long without this?

For all the fun the Losers club was having, it didn't take long before things got serious. It was back.

“Pennywise.”

"The clown." Eddie had said, as the memories of that summer were coming into focus. Georgie's disappearance along with all those other kids', Bill's thirst for revenge, the projector and the house on Neibolt street. Eddie's small arm in that giant cast. All the fear and despair and inner turmoil that Pennywise had inflicted that one summer when they were kids hit Richie at once, sending him reeling and wondering once again, how the hell could I forget this?

Richie suddenly longed for the ignorant bliss he'd been living in for years.

"It's happening again." Mike was saying. "We didn't stop It."

And wasn't that just super? All the hell the seven of them had been through as kids. The sewers and the rock fights and the broken bones and shredded flesh. It had all been for nothing. They hadn’t killed It. It was back.

He saw It in the park, just hours before. Pennywise and his balloons, sailing above him and talking about a secret.**I know your secret, Richie.**

Abruptly, Richie stood up. "No, no, no, nope." He mumbled, hands in the air. "Sorry, folks. I'm not here for that."

"Richie-"

"I can't do this again, Mike!" Richie exclaimed. "I'm sorry, it's not for me. We nearly **died** last time!"

"Richie-"

"No, Ben, you remember! You were leaking hamburger helper! And Bev, her eyes! Remember! She was floating!" Richie noticed he was drawing attention, bad attention, and lowered his voice to a whispered shout. "Eddie, you fell through a floor and into a table! Your arm! And Stan's face! Stan was... where's Stan?"

"I called him." Mike shrugged, looking worried. "I don't know why he isn't here yet."

"Probably because he's always been the most practical of all of us!" Richie exclaimed, throwing his arms out. "This is insane! We can't go up against It again! We just- it's not- UGH!"

Richie heard his friends calling him back as he stormed out of the room, but he couldn't find it in him to care. He needed fresh air.

As if remembering so much so fast wasn't traumatic enough, the devastating power of those memories was terribly overwhelming. His hand was trembling as he pulled a cigarette out of the pack, and he was shaking much too hard to light it.

He heard the door to the restaurant open and close, followed by footsteps headed toward him. Richie didn't want to know which of his friends was foolish enough to want more of his rage, so he focused on the seemingly impossible task of getting his Zippo to light.

At that moment, a hand on his startled Richie so hard, he nearly jumped out of his shoes before a soft chuckle had him melting back into the sidewalk.

"Here," Eddie said, kneeling on the pavement in front of him. "I'll help."

Richie let Eddie light the flame with his oddly still, incredibly not scrawny hands. Leaning over, he put the cigarette above the flame and took a pull. He was very careful not to notice how far in Eddie's space he was, or how intense Eddie's eyes were tracking his.

"I'd think you'd have a problem with these cancer-sticks, Eds." Richie said, trying and failing to keep the anxiety out of his voice.

He could have imagined it, but Richie would have sworn he saw Eddie's lips pull up in the corner. So small and so fast that it shouldn't have been noticeable, but it just so happened that Richie's attention had been drawn to that exact spot all night.

"Don't call me 'Eds'." Eddie said, though his usual ire was gone, replaced now by pure exhaustion. "Whatever helps you calm down is fine by me. We need to keep a clear head. Besides, I've learned that sometimes exceptions must be made."

Richie snorted. "Like when a homicidal clown hell bent on eating you and your friends returns after a thousand years to reap it's revenge? And because of a weird, cultish blood oath you made as a kid, you feel obligated to helping said friends get rid of the clown for good?”

Eddie snorted, sitting next to Richie on the curb. "Still so dramatic, huh Rich?"

"Ah, shucks, you know me!" Richie said in a southern accent before changing into a dramatic movie queen from the 20s. "I was born to be a STAR!"

This earned him another snort from Eddie, who nudged his shoulder against Richie's.

They were quiet for a minute before Eddie broke the silence. "You're right, y'know."

Richie let out a dramatic gasp and clutched his imaginary pearls. “Well, I'll be!” He exclaimed, southern accent back. “The almighty Eddie Kaspbrak, complimentin’ the likes of wittle ole me!”

"Shut up!" Eddie grumbled, nudging his shoulder again. Richie felt like he would do anything for Eddie to keep at it, his touch a hundred times more comforting than the nicotine and just as addictive. "I meant about how we nearly died last time. We were just kids."

"Exactly." Richie sighed, relieved that someone saw it his way and a little surprised that that someone was Eddie. "We're lucky to be alive."

"Very lucky." Eddie agreed.

"And now, Bill just expects us to go up against It again? What the hell!" The worry that had just started to escape him was coming back. Not as harshly, however, with Eddie there beside him.

"Just smoke your death stick, Richie." Eddie sighed, placing a hand on his shoulder. "And blow the air that way, would'ya? Some of us would like to live to see fifty." He added, making his trademark disgusted face.

"Ha! Same old Spaghetti man!" Richie laughed before putting on an Italian accent. "Its-a-Eddie spaghetti! Looks-a-like he's a-gone and grown! Mama Mia!"

"Ugh!" Eddie rolled his eyes, "beep, beep, Richie!"

A familiar warmth spread through Richie's body at the words, and the man found himself grinning like a mad man. "Say that again."

“What?” Eddie asked, curiously. “Beep, beep, Richie?”

Recognition dawned on the smaller man’s face and Richie felt his grin soften. “Just like old times, huh Eds?”

“I’ve told you not to call me that!” Eddie mumbled. His ears had turned red, though, much to Richie’s amused appreciation.

“I know you have,” Richie said, adjusting his glasses with the same hand that held his cigarette like some kind of big shot director type. “It’s still so much fun to mess with’ya. You haven't changed a bit."

Eddie’s eyes locked onto his own again; shifting from reminiscent to enlightened before changing to an emotion that Richie couldn’t identify. He felt it, though, the ground shifting beneath their feet. Whatever Eddie had realized, it was a big fucking deal.

"No, I haven't, have I?" Eddie whispered, shifting his gaze down to his own hands. He was rubbing his left hand with his right thumb, a habit he picked up from spending those months in that cast. Richie couldn’t help but wonder if the tic had stuck with him all these years, or if it came back with the memories.

"It's good you haven't changed.” Richie assured him, placing a tentative hand on his friend’s knee. “You've always been so...so..."

"What?” Eddie snapped, defensive. “Neurotic? Germophobic? Easy to pick on?"

"So you, Eds." Richie told him, wistfully.

It made Richie wonder if Eddie knew how special he was. Didn’t his **wife** tell him every day how incredibly knowledgeable he was about everything and anything? How cute he was when he went off on his tangents? How well he filled in those jeans?!? Isn’t that what married people did?

Richie decided then that he wanted more than anything to just steal Eddie away. To take this man and remind him how incredibly extraordinary he was.

He knew he couldn’t, though. The Eddie he left in Derry all those years ago, his Eddie, was lost now to the forever institution of marriage. Not that it mattered, anyway. He had never told a single soul about his feelings for Eddie, and he hadn’t planned on ever doing so. Now that Eddie was married, and to a woman, he saw no reason to.

When Eddie looked up at him, however, unguarded admiration in his eyes, and smiled, Richie dared to hope. “So **me**?”

“That’s right, Eddie.” Richie smiled back. "And I wouldn't have it any other way."


End file.
